He Picked Me

I don’t know who will see this, I honestly just want to get the words out and hopefully someone will understand what I am trying to say. Three weeks ago, I had lost my best friend. My dog. A lot of people will read this and think “He was just a dog” no, let me tell you what this dog meant to me.

It was July 2002, I was 13-years-old and going through a hard time in my life. I was bullied severely, constantly, no one liked me. I didn’t even like myself. I was a kid that didn’t want to do anything but sit at my computer all day because it was easier to just delve into a writing world than deal with the reality. I had lost a previous dog before that, my world couldn’t have come even more apart than it already had. Then my mom found an ad, 7 puppies for sale: 4 girls, 3 boys. My dad wanted a boy, we travelled 4 hours to another town to look at these puppies. My dad had instructed me to sit on the ground, the puppy who would come to me would be mine to take home. I did as he said, I sat on the grass and the lady pulled out all three boy puppies. Two of them ran into the backyard to play with the Doberman pinchers that were back there. The chubby one with way too long of ears for his breed, so long he tripped on them. He was a goofy puppy, but he came to me. He played with my shoelaces. Then I picked him up and he hugged me. He put his little head on my shoulder and gave me a hug. I said “Daddy, I want this one” If anything, he picked me. I now had a friend.

This puppy and I did everything together, I carried him around until he was 6 months old because he became too big. At 5 years old he was diagnosed with epilepsy. He was still my baby. Then after I graduated high school, I made that hard choice of leaving Wisconsin without him, because my grandparents’ house wasn’t big enough for him. I moved in with my aunt after my grandfather had his stroke and because she had a dog of her own, I still couldn’t have Cody. For 5 years he waited for me. 5 years we had weekend visits. 5 years I had to deal not having him. Then my best friend that I made in high school told me to bring Cody with us when we moved to Tulsa, Oklahoma together. We were together again, my baby and I were reunited again after 4 years of not being able to be near him. We went to our first Hanson Fanclub Event that Spring. He was a favorite among fans because he was so cute walking around with his Hanson bandana on. I got into film school in California, and Cody was going from a small town dog to a big city dog.

We travelled to California where he walked the Hollywood Walk of Fame, we went up to the Griffith Observatory and I carried him a bit because the hill was so steep and he was getting old.

cody and me

We made even more friends here. Then I was watching as my baby was fighting the fact he was no longer 11, but 13. He wanted to play even more. We still did everything together. I took him to the vet to try to make him comfortable. I told my friends I was sleeping on the couch because my bed was uncomfortable, the truth was I slept on the couch because Cody was getting too old to climb the stairs and I didn’t want him to try to climb them to be with me at night.

On the night of October 15, 2015, Cody was fine all day that day. He wanted his cuddles. His loves. His kisses. He got it all, but then my worse nightmare came true. He couldn’t walk, he couldn’t see, everything fell apart on him within the matter of seconds and my life came apart at the same time. I took him to the emergency room where the vet told me “He either has a tumor, cancer, a neurological problem, or he had a stroke.” She told me the amount of tests they would have to do on him to find out what was wrong. Being his mom, his mommy for 13 years. 13 incredible years. I couldn’t do that to him. It wouldn’t be right, it wouldn’t be fair. I called Aly and I said “Aly, we need to say goodbye” and she took a Lyft to the hospital to say her goodbyes. I sat on the floor with my best friend, my baby who was no longer a baby in size, but he was always my baby. I told him “This isn’t goodbye, you know why this isn’t goodbye? Because I will see you again someday, we will be together again. I love you so much, you were my best friend when your momma didn’t have any friends in this world. You have given me so much, you have no idea how much you gave me. This isn’t goodbye you sweet, beautiful boy. I love you so much. Just don’t run between grandpa’s legs in heaven ok? Because you know grandpa will just trap your head like he used to when you would goose him.”

IMG_2029

The vet came in when it was time, I had him lie down on the pillows and blankets and I curled up behind him like I always did when we would cuddle at night in our bed. I stroked his face and I sang “Hush little baby” into his ear like I normally did at night. I felt his heart slow down, his breathing slow down. I knew it was coming, I knew the last breath was coming. So I kissed his ears and went “I love you so much” one more time before he went completely limp in my arms. Then I collapsed completely on top of him because I felt part of my heart die with him.

I lost part of myself three weeks ago, because I took pride in the fact I had a beautiful dog like Cody. Yes, he drove me crazy sometimes with his bad habits, but his bad habits are what I miss the most. He was my baby, and I was his mommy. 13 years ago, Cody picked me that day in that woman’s yard. Cody, I love you so much Baby Boy and I miss you even more.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s